It starts as a far off cry until I realize it’s coming from deep within.
It whispers, but I hear it clearly: “Viva La Resistance!”
It flows through me with charged emotions – hot, quick, righteous.
It reassures me with great defensiveness that it’s sticking up for the right side.
It says to me: Why you? It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not fair that YOU have to change. Don’t be weak. You don’t HAVE TO do anything! Stay rigid, don’t break… Viva La Resistance!”
I’ve gotten to a point in my personal growth journey where I know I need to change certain aspects of my life and I desperately want to. I just don’t know why I fight it so hard?
I have my tools and most are simple shifts that I already know significantly benefit the quality of my life. Things like drinking lemon water with vitamins first thing in the morning, intentional breathing, mouth taping, giving myself consistent weekly pauses with yoga and meditation, eating gluten free, cutting back on alcohol. These are changes that I’ve already started implementing and I can feel their benefits, and yet sometimes I just don’t want to fucking do it.
I don’t question the value of my new habits but there is still something inside of me that is pissed that I can’t just live my life the way I want to… without any consequences. I am quick to say to myself: “if so-and-so can do that, then so can I. Blobitty-bloo doesn’t need to work at that so neither should I!” And in an instant, I’m comparing myself to others and I’m resentful that they can live a life of ease while I have to make hard decisions, rest more, go against the norm, use my free time for self betterment, prioritize and say “no” to the things I want to do so I can say “yes” to the things I have to do.
It makes me jealous. It makes me feel weak. And that’s why I resist.
I don’t want to be the person who has to pack extra pillows to support my body, so I don't. I don’t want to be the person who’s exhausted with little to show for it, so I push through. I don’t want to be the person who isn’t fun because they don’t drink, so I party. I don’t want to be the person who has to pause or take a break or even slow down, so I fight on. Viva La Resistance!
Because sometimes my negative reel pops up and my little defiant fist goes in the air and I think to myself: “Maybe I can just skip class tonight. I’m still relaxing if I have a glass of wine and hang out with my family on the couch.” And although I have surrendered to that urge more times than I like to admit, when I reflect back, I understand why showing up to class is my flex. It’s creating not only a healthy habit, but it also builds up the mental strength and resilience I need to handle my life. ming+ming classes are giving me the skills to counteract the inertia, stop the spiraling, filter the noise, focus on what I have control over and prioritize my next move. The more I flex these skills, the quicker I am at identifying my negative reel, understanding where it stems from and start addressing my needs.
Just the act of showing up to my weekly classes is what strengthens my abilities to keep fighting the GOOD fight. To fight for myself and fight for how I spend my time.
Before now, I’ve been fighting for my pride, insulted by the idea that I’m the one who has to change. I’ve been fighting in the name of looking good on the outside despite losing it on the inside because I convinced myself at one point that working on myself was a weakness. But now I know I’ve been fighting for the wrong side.
In order to stay focused and to stay motivated, I must move forward with real purpose. My goals are shifting towards discovering more of who I am and allowing all parts of myself to be seen, even the parts that carry embarrassment or shame. And in order to do that, I need to strengthen the skills that allow me to change and the skills that allow me to accept all of who I am. I need to flex the muscles of showing up for myself even when I don’t feel like it, and also to be accepting when I need a break and want to feed a different part of me.
Perhaps I’ve been saying “Viva La Resistance!” this whole time but I’ve been misinterpreting its war cries. Perhaps it wants me to fight, but instead of fighting against myself it wants me to fight FOR myself. Fight because I believe I’m worthy, fight for the change I desire to see, fight for others so they believe they have the power within them too.
Ever since I’ve decided to go on my growth journey, it’s given me the ability to look back and reflect on how I’ve changed. I know how to better manage new healthier habits even when the urge to go back to my old habits keeps calling me. But this time when I hear the cries of “Viva La Resistance,” I know which side I’m fighting for.
With love,
Ming-Cee
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